Lesson One, Part Two.

Lesson One, Part Two

Time: Late afternoon, a weekday
Place: College pool

At last, the pool. How will the first lesson go, you ask? Quickly, very quickly.

What can one say about swimming? The water encircles Ms. Wet and Ms. Dangerous with a motherly embrace. It sucks them under with sadistic glee, also reminding them of their mothers.

Task One: Blowing Bubbles Through The Nose.
Ms. Wet remembers her daughter remarking, "Mom, it makes your nose feel so clean!" Ms. Dangerous tries not to scan the water for boogers.

Task Two: Kicking.
Ms. Dangerous assumes that her thunder thighs will assist her in making a splash. She is surprised to feel exhausted after just a couple of minutes. "What good are you, then?" she screams at her cellulite. No response.

Task Three: Treading Water.
Ms. Wet and Ms. Dangerous find this task to be the most difficult. "How are we supposed to save ourselves on the open ocean if we're tired after two minutes?" asks Ms. Wet, as Ms. Dangerous flirts with drowning. "Oh," replies their teacher, "I think I'm teaching you the hard way! Let me look up the easy way for the next lesson." "Grrp!" gasps Ms. Dangerous.

After speeding through enough material for 5 lessons, the teacher is as out of breath as her students. “You guys are so smart!” she gasps, “You learn much faster than my toddler class!” She promises to look up the easiest way to tread water. The sensible Ms. Wet asks for homework and receives a list of tasks to practice. “Practice?” thinks Ms. Dangerous.

Thus charged, Ms. Wet and Ms. Dangerous again brave the locker room. While Ms. Wet wisely changes back into her work clothes, Ms. Dangerous plans to look beguilingly damp at the bus stop in a cover-up dress and sandals. Unfortunately, the cover-up is not designed to cover up a bullet bra, and damp spots appear in embarrassing places.

Fortunately, Ms. Wet takes pity and gives Ms. Dangerous a ride home. The cover-up issue has yet to be resolved.

Lesson One, Part One.

Time: Late afternoon, a weekday
Place: College pool and locker room, deserted

Our heroines make their way through winding hallways, following the smell of chlorine.

“This must be it!” They peer through windowed doors.
“Oooh no!” moans Ms. Wet, “Uh uh.”
“What?”
“It’s 12 feet deep!”
“Well, surely there’s a shallow end!”
“Can you see it?”
They both lean all the way left, peering through the windows, trying to see the other end of the pool.
Ms. Dangerous says, “Well, it has to be there!” but it sounds more like a question.

With manufactured confidence, they venture on to the locker room. Blue and red lockers line the perimeter. They are strung with swim team suits and graffitied with messages. The center of the room has a drain and little else. An adjoining room holds two shower stalls and two miniscule bathroom stalls.

“I’ll change in the bathroom!” says Ms. Dangerous, “Let me know when it’s safe to come out!”

Finally they give each other the go-ahead. They approve the slimming qualities of each other’s swimsuits and they venture forth wrapped in towels, eyes rapidly scanning the hallway for students…faculty...campus police…coworkers…maintenance people…anyone they know, and anyone they might like to know.

Ms. Dangerous accidentally drops her towel more than once. Fortunately, the place is deserted, and Ms. Wet is focusing on breathing and picturing the shallow end.

An Introduction

Time: Early afternoon, the start of summer vacation
Place: Reference desk, an academic library

Spotlight on two young and fashionable reference librarians on desk duty (looking slightly bored): Ms. Wet and Ms. Dangerous.

Ms. Dangerous scans the library for eye candy, but sadly all the good-looking graduate students are on vacation. Ms. Wet browses Craigslist.

"OOO!" gasps Ms. Wet.
"Beautiful?" asks Ms. Dangerous, scanning the library for overlooked sex appeal.
"No! Swim lessons!"
"I don't know how to swim!" exclaims Ms. Dangerous.
"I don't either!" cries Ms. Wet. "Oh my gosh! They're here on campus!"
"You're f*in' kidding me!" squeals Ms. Dangerous.

Some wily email negotiations later, Ms. Wet informs Ms. Dangerous that they can indeed share private swim lessons in the campus pool, at half the cost.

First step: Acquiring Swimwear.

Ms. Wet: In further proof of smart shopping, Ms. Wet purchased a one-piece at the end of last season, a classic black maillot with slimming details. She considers the bathing suit "respectable," and in her practical i-hate-shopping fashion, she figures it is good enough.

Ms. Dangerous: Ms. Dangerous decides to measure herself and purchase vintage swimwear off of ebay. In Ms. Dangerous's viewpoint, vintage swimwear has several advantages, including built-in girdles, full-bottom coverage, lower leg openings, and the ability to maximize upper-body attributes while minimizing lower-body cellulite. Plus, she can avoid the fat-lady skirted swimsuit. Possible downside: bullet bras.