Lesson Four.

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Ms. Wet and Ms. Dangerous pool their motivation, ignore their fatigue, and clamber over construction barriers to reach the campus pool.

And still, the doors are locked!

Ms. Wet doesn't allow Ms. Dangerous to turn around and go home; instead, they wait for Instructor C and campus police to pull up in an SUV and unlock the doors.

***

The lesson starts and again they attack the freestyle. From the beginning, both have problems. Ms. Wet feels she doesn't get anywhere when she is swimming, and her solution for coordinating breathing with strokes is just to forego the breathing part. She swims from 5 feet to the shallow end, but remains afraid that she won't be able to hold her breath for the length of the pool. No, she's not quite ready for the deep end yet.

Meanwhile, Ms. Dangerous discovers that her right side is dominant and the left just wants to glide along for the ride. She forces the left side to stroke, swinging the left arm like a club and beating at the water, as gracefully as always.

They take turns practicing, and when it's time for Instructor C to focus her attention on Ms. Wet, Ms. Dangerous entertains herself by doing submerged flips and spinning in circles.

After a few minutes of this exercise, Ms. Wet asks Instructor C about her latest problem: swimming under water. While she practices at the city pool (more on that later) with her daughter, the honest child repeatedly yells, "Mom, your butt is sticking out of the water!"

Instructor C persuades Ms. Wet to dive downward into the 5 ft water and to attempt to swim submerged. Ms. Wet tries, but halfway through her forward bend, uncertainty stops her every time and she kind of belly flops into the water. With that entry, there's no chance of breaking the surface.

"Ah," considers Instructor C, "You're swimming like a barge. How do you do that?"

Ms. Dangerous pauses mid-flip to ponder that very Pittsburgh-ian image. "I think you look more like a shark," she offers helpfully, "Imagine your cranium as a dorsal fin."

"I know what will help!" says Instructor C, "We need to learn to dive!"

"Ummmm..." mumbles Ms. Wet.

Ms. Dangerous does a flip and flashes a thumbs-up.

"Next week: the deep end!" proclaims Instructor C.

"Uhhh!!" mumbles Ms. Wet, looking stricken.

"YES!" applauds Ms. Dangerous.

Pictures.

We've been flooded with requests for photos documenting our heroines' journey.

Ms. Dangerous and Ms. Wet would like you to know that they're working on it.

Lesson Three.

Ms. Dangerous and Ms. Wet wade through oppressive humidity to the campus pool. The cool water feels good, but wooly dark clumps have settled on the bottom of the first two lanes. Ms. Dangerous looks up and notices that the ceiling is shrouded in gray fuzz. She figures that they'll soon be swimming in asbestos, and she decides to work really hard on not swallowing the water.

Both wear goggles and realize that being able to see where you're going helps as much in the water as it does on land. Our heroines' enthusiasm motivates their instructor, and she outlines a focused lesson.

They begin practicing kicking with the kickboards. Ms. Dangerous, true to her nature, paddles all the way to the deep end, feigning confidence and entreating Ms. Wet to join her. Ms. Wet pretends that she not to hear and does laps back and forth between the shallow end and 5 feet.

The lesson progresses to freestyle, and the swimmers focus on perfecting their strokes. They strive to breathe when their mouths are out of the water, the threat of asbestos providing ample motivation for coordinating their movements. They practice breathing to the left and the right, lifting their heads on every 3rd stroke. Ms. Dangerous and Ms. Wet splash around awkwardly, hoping that coordination is a skill acquired through practice. Their instructor claps and cheers, crowing and applauding their progress, much as she would to her toddler class.

Sadly, before they can master coordination, the lesson ends. Practice is in order before Lesson 4.

Ms. Wet and Ms. Dangerous Warm Up for Lesson Three.

Lesson Two.

Ms. Dangerous and Ms. Wet meet at the library and trudge to the pool. Cell phone in hand, Ms. Wet wishes she had cancelled. Unfortunately, her swimsuit does not have a pocket to hold the instructor’s contact information. Ms. Wet plans to learn to embroider A.S.A.P.

The locker room is negotiated and the two reluctant women report to the pool. As Ms. Wet passes the deep end, she panics and fears she will never learn to swim.

While the pool area is hot and humid. Appendage by appendage, our heroines slowly submerge into the icy water at the shallow end. Their legs go numb. The instructor makes a crude joke about the temperature, and Ms. Dangerous can’t help but think it refers to her swimsuit.

The lesson begins.

Once again treading eludes our heroines. Fast or slow, scissor kick or running man, they tread and they sink. The instructor admits she was confused by the treading instructions she found online, and she offers no further advice. She sees Ms. Wet and Ms. Dangerous exchange a look and encouragingly informs them that the swim team treads water while holding 15 lb weights above their heads.

Ms. Dangerous and Ms. Wet tackle the freestyle. Finally, something they do in the water takes on a natural rhythm. They bend elbows and circle arms, skimming fingers across the surface of the water. They twist with every reach, flutter kicking behind.

The hardest part is the breath. They struggle to turn heads to the side without gasping, keeping an ear in the water as a guide. Breathing disrupts their rhythm so much that the instructor remarks, “I can go back and forth the length of the pool and only breathe once!”

“Well good for you,” mutters Ms. Dangerous, “It probably helps that you’re shaped like a kayak.”

Mercifully, the half hour passes quickly and Ms. Wet and Ms. Dangerous find themselves back in the locker room struggling to return to their usual glamour. It’s worth the effort.