"I never practice; I always play."*

Ms. Dangerous prepares to dive into the Ohio River.

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Just kidding!

This is where Ms. Dangerous and Ms. Wet really practice. If this picture were larger and clearer, which for obvious reasons it is not, you would see that Ms. Dangerous is treading precariously in the 5 to 6 foot area, while Ms. Wet is firmly planted in 4 feet of water.

Today Ms. Dangerous learned that what she suspected all along might actually be true: while the sun will almost definitely give her cancer, so might her sunblock! After reading this article at work and having a minor freak-out, she sent her loyal friend to the store to replace her cancer spray with zinc oxide. Her friend obediently purchased every recommended product at the neighborhood CVS. So if you're looking for sunblock that doesn't have risks for cancer, reproductive toxicity, immunotoxicity, neurotoxicity, endocrine disruption, persistence and bioaccumulation, organ system toxicity, or biochemical and cellular level changes on this side of Pittsburgh, you might want to try Walgreens.

As today's events might suggest, swimming out in the open, in the light of day, in public, poses a variety of challenges for our two heroines. While the most obvious difficulties depend on the weather, most of the others can be divided into two major categories: what's in the pool, and who's at the pool. Here are a couple of prime examples.

1. What's that in the poo-l?

On a balmy Sunday, Ms. Dangerous arrives at the public pool at 12:30, fully expecting Ms. Wet to show up a little after 1. Unfortunately, as she enters the gates she is approached by a teenage lifeguard who blushes and informs her that the pool is closed. Ms. Dangerous is confused. The lifeguard mumbles, gestures, and finally explains that someone broke in overnight and "left something" in the bottom of the pool. Several someones, in fact. "We've just finished fishing all of it out," he explains, "Now we're dumping chlorine in the water, but the pool is closed for the day."

Oh crap, thinks Ms. Dangerous, I don't have my cell phone.

Ms. Dangerous has no way to warn Ms. Wet about the closure, so she hops on her bike and rides to the other nearby pool, fully expecting Ms. Wet to show up later. Ms. Wet never arrives, so Ms. Dangerous assumes she just went home.

Two days later, they meet again in yoga class.

"Where were you?!" Ms. Wet exclaims, "I went to the pool but you weren't there!"

Ms. Dangerous stares at her, "Um, didn't they say anything to you?"

Ms. Wet looks confused, "What? Oh and I think there were ants or something at the pool. I got a really bad rash!"

(The rash is on her arm, folks.)

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2. Who's that at the pool?

It might be helpful to know this about Ms. Wet and Ms. Dangerous: While Ms. Wet tends to attract Socially Awkward Music Geeks, Slightly Intoxicated Musicians, and Much Older Men, Ms. Dangerous attracts men who are stuck in the 1980s. Many look like members of Rod Stewart's band. His current band. But members who have been with him for a long time. So, if you're a man in your forties, with tight jeans or a Members Only jacket, and you look like you haven't slept for a week but somehow found the energy to use a can of hairspray on your shoulder-length hair, you will probably find Ms. Dangerous irresistible.

One such fellow happens to be the head lifeguard (we hope) at one of the pools they frequent. With his Ray-Bans, thick mustache, white hi-tops, and deep mineral oil tan, Ms. Dangerous realizes that she should have seen him coming. While all the other lifeguards are teenagers, this man is definitely not.

Yes, that's him. He's losing his pants.
"Great." Ms. Dangerous rolls her eyes.

Unknown to Ms. Dangerous, during one of her clumsy forays into the deep end, Lifeguard Creepy walks along the side of the pool following her every splash and kick. Later, he climbs up onto the lifeguard chair under which Ms. Wet has been practicing a few minutes. After a while, Ms. Dangerous comes to join Ms. Wet in the 5 foot water, under that same lifeguard chair. Suddenly, they hear a voice from above.

"Take some friendly advice." They look up into the afternoon sun.

"Ok?" says Ms. Wet.

"No not you. Her." He points to Ms. Dangerous.

"Um, ok?"

"I've been looking at your legs. You're using them too much. Use your arms."He pauses, expecting a response.

Ms. Dangerous replies, "I can't see you. All I hear is a voice from above." Apparently, that's enough for him.

"Try swimming with your legs together. I have lots of toys that you could play with." He pauses, "Unfortunately none of them are here."

To appease him, or maybe just to shut him up, Ms. Dangerous prepares to swim to the other side of the pool without using her legs.

"Wait! I'll go with you!" says Ms. Wet.

They both try to swim to the other side using only their arms, and both sink immediately.

Ms. Dangerous stops in the middle of the pool and tells Ms. Wet that she needs a break. A break as long as the lifeguard's shift.

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*Wanda Landowska